Drawings, stories and stuff

I wish I could say I made all of this up.

But, as we all know,  truth is so much better than fiction sometimes.

            This comparison is not meant to diagnose or maliciously generalize (in fact, you’ll notice that all of my stories only flippantly generalize for your entertainment). This is simply based on my recent experience and anecdotal observations of others. The two individuals I’m comparing are familiar to us all, whether intimately or at a distance. I’m speaking, of course, of vampires and pregnant women. I’ll be focusing only on the first three months of pregnancy since the gestation period is quite long and changes over the course of time. The vampire, being immortal, does not change, so I’ll just use evidence from the most reliable and scholarly source available: TV and movies. In the following comparison I hope you’ll see the striking similarities which I’ve observed, and perhaps tread more carefully (and sympathetically) the next time you encounter one of either species.

Unassuming – According to movie lore, when you encounter a vampire he or she is generally suave, good-looking, and well coifed. The benefits of being young forever guarantee that he looks like he just stepped off the set of Moonlight (or Peachfuzz … whatever that series is with the frumpy girl and the hunky vampire… oh, wait… that’s all of them). In short, he is unassuming: just your average handsome guy, minding his own business, lurking around after dark. Likewise, the pregnant woman, during the first three months, is also unassuming. She does not yet have the bulge of belly proclaiming to the world This one is knocked up! To the general public, she looks, sounds and acts as normal as she did six months ago. Both individuals, vamp and preggo, appear mostly harmless to their next poor victim. I’m sure you all understand the circumstance of victimhood for the vampire, but what about the pregnant lady, you may ask. Well, this leads me to my next point of comparison:

Bat-shit crazy – We know the vampire is moody and unstable (you would be too if you fed off of living humans, outlived all your peers and spent the rest of eternity alone). With all that solitude and blood shed, it leaves little doubt that, frankly, he’s bat-shit crazy.  For different reasons, the woman has also been rendered completely bat-shit.  She is suffering hormone fluctuations the likes of which cannot even be matched by adolescence. This unpredictable rollercoaster may have her delighted one minute and then enraged the next.  We are talking irrational, intolerant and generally pissy most of the time. The world and everything she surveys is simply wrong and seriously irritating – you are no exception. If you happen to catch her in a moment of calm (or extreme self-restraint), consider yourself lucky. This is only a temporary condition, as are all her newly exaggerated moods. Of course, the current mood can, and will, change for no reason clear to the human observer. But be warned, you should not name or identify the condition of being bat-shit to the woman. This will only enrage her further. She likely thinks she’s carrying on quite well and ought to get a metal of honor for her self-control around all the idiocy that has recently surrounded her.

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